Through Smoke

I took photos with my old friend Cecilia on Tuesday. We sort of had to make our own winter since Northern Illinois hasn't had a measurable snowfall since last February (nice). But, the weather channel says that we might, finally, get a real snow either tomorrow or Friday so I'm hopeful. 

For these pictures, we trekked across a dried out swamp, through a field, past some trees and finally came upon the right spot on the edge of a dried up pond (because there's really nothing around that isn't dried up anymore). It was also the perfect temperature outside (around 45) and the next day it dropped to 0 and it hasn't really gotten warmer since.

Anyway, a lot energy went into these pictures. We tore down branches, fought our way through thorn bushes, and braved the possibility (and reality) of first degree burns and smoke inhalation all before 1 o'clock in the afternoon. We also made some thrilling discoveries together, one of the greatest being the hypnotic way that pilling stuffing melts when it's thrown into a fire. It was awesome.

So, enjoy the pictures and the outtakes because Cecilia is the best and they were fun to take (also, I experimented a little with editing so yes/no?).

( ^ This is the exact moment where the fire actually burned through her shirt ^ )

Experiments

Took photos again today (exciting)! Decided to make an attempt at the Brenizer method, however I don't have anything to stitch photos together so I ended up doing it by hand and after 5 hours of working here are the results! (Tons of mistakes but that's okay, next time I'll know what to do). 

For some reason I felt inspired today so I grabbed the camera, a few coats, a lighter and a sheet. I wandered around the woods for a while, waiting to find the perfect place. And when I did, I set down the camera, spread out the sheet and started a small fire off to the side so that I could keep my hands warm (which was probably one of my best ideas because I kept falling on the ice and the fire warmed them a lot faster than gloves did). The remote also stopped working and I had to work with the ten second timer on a steep, iced-over hill so there really was an element of danger.

AFTER

BEFORE

 

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

Vulnerability

Yesterday was one of those bad days and (finally) I turned back to self-portaiture hoping that it would bring me some kind of peace. If anything, it at least provided distraction because I spent hours trying to make it work because I'm a perfectionist. 

I shot for nearly two hours and the photos proved to be the getaway I needed. I cleaned my room, made my bed, hung fairy-lights and scavenged my mind for inspiration. I opened my closet door to find the right shirt, but my eyes fell on the prom dress from my senior year and something about it seemed necessary (also the deep pinks contrasted well with the blues). And in my quest for motivation, among a million words, thoughts, and half-formed ideas, vulnerability was the word that struck me.

To me, vulnerability isn't about opening up for the ability to do so. I'll show as much of myself as I can, I'll open up to any who will listen, I'm not shamed by myself, my imperfections, my bones, or my mistakes. To me, none of those show vulnerability but rather confidence of self.Vulnerability is in the quiet moments where no one is looking. Vulnerability is how your mind fills the silence and your own wild day dreams. It's in those days when we seek to be alone, and in those moments when we truly are. Vulnerability is about letting in. Letting others hear the murmur of your heart and letting your walls collapse for a glimpse at your soul. Vulnerability runs deeper than blood.

 

On another note: Silver Linings Playbook is an excellent movie and Candles by Daughter is a beautiful song by a wildly under apprecciated artist.

Strange Weather

And a Stranger World

Cold weather is only good for hot beverages, Christmas lights, and life-changing snow storms. Aside from those, cold weather is basically useless (I've determined). Since it hasn't properly snow here since last February, Winter has never been so pointless as it is this season and, so far, the only redeeming moment was the day the thermometer reached 50 degrees in the middle of January.

That was the day I finally decided to trek into the wilderness that had since become a stranger. I threw on a jacket, two pairs of pants (because you never know when you might lose one), slung on my equipment, and set out for the hills and meadows which are much less impressive than they sound.

Once I set foot on the unchanged trails, the familiar scent of thawing earth filled my head and time slowed because I was home again. Beneath my feet, the ground was void of snow and everything surrounding was still and eerily calm (If it hadn't been for the occasional, rippling breeze I would have completely lost myself in the silence).

And, for a while, I did lose myself. The edge of cold was biting at my skin, the clapping shutter echoed through the swamp, and my bare hands gripped the damp limbs of trees while a since-forgotten story ran through my head and attempted to reach out to the camera. And somewhere, in those silent woods, on that strange day, I found myself in the stillness, suddenly able to let go of an old anxiety.

A Year in Review

Things we all say at the end: a lot happens in a year.

And it's always true because we make new friends, lose old ones, and find different answers to the same questions we ask ourselves every year. 

This year marked the next big step in my life beginning with the last semester of high-school and my first semester of college, it was exhilarating to say the least and I've learned a lot. I've also changed in ways I probably couldn't easily put into words so here's the list of my character traits that haven't changed:

• I'm still awful at communication.
• I haven't gotten rid of my procrastination problem
• Or my persistant lack of motivation
• I still take self-portraits alone in the woods to find inner peace
• I retain my overwhelming need to travel somewhere
• I need to write like I need to drink
• I still have my adventurous spirit
• And my fear of human affection

A Year in Review:
And by "year in review", I mean pictures I took recently took and intended to upload but haven't.

And a Resolution:

It's time for me to stop dwelling on the past and what I had accomplished. So, from this day on, I'm looking forward and my insecurities aren't going to hold me back. 

Starting today, my best work wasn't from three years ago

 it's yet to come.