New Promises and Past Reflections

 Here comes a long overdue reflectionwith a much needed promise.

The world has a funny way of unfolding and that's as much as I want to say because there is something else I want to talk about today; the vital importance of looking forward.

As anyone could probably tell you, I have a tendency to dwell in the past. I find sad amusement in looking at the things I have an haven't done and some satisfaction in comparing who I was to who I am today (Sometimes I imagine different versions of myself meeting but it makes me extremely uncomfortable so I try not to do that).

I mean, I'm certainly far from the girl who started the 365-day photo project (4 years ago, now) and made smiley faces with brackets (ex. :]). But I'm still nothing like the one who ended it, on the eve of my junior year of high-school and constantly made elaborate allusions to life being like a book. 

Like everyone else, I guess I'm some weird amalgamation of who I was and I have to be okay with that because another few months from now I'll probably be someone else.

But no matter where I am, I feel paralyzing instability when I can't perceive myself moving forward. And these bouts of instability leave me feeling trapped, lost, and endlessly introspective (which seems to be the only time I blog) however for the first time in a little over four years (holy hell) I am going to do something about it.

I'm making a decision. I'm diving behind the lens and promising myself another year long project of dedication and progression because creating is my passion and photography is my medium.

I'm starting a 52 week photo project to focus on quality and consistency.

My goal is to move away from self portraiture and throw my self at creating art with more tangible substance and much less “well, it looks pretty” because I've made peace with myself but not yet with my art.

I'm doing this because I need to see my own improvement and I am going to do everything I can to ensure that every photo will be an improvement on the last and an improvement on everything I have done. For once, I don't want every photo to be a part of a greater whole, I want every capture to be able to stand on it's own.

Maybe it's ridiculous to think that every week will live up to this expectation, but nothing says that I can't try.

(on another note: if you catch me not trying please yell or throw something at me because I am publishing this post for a reason.)

Lessons in Individuality

It's strange to think that every individual sees the world in their own way that's different than any of the 6 billion that inhabit the Earth.  Our individuality is incredible when you think that a thousand people can look at the very same park and think very different things from one viewer to the next. Our colors may vary, our perception is unique to us, and our reactions can never be exactly what another's is. This is interesting because we'll never be able to experience what someone else has, yet, somehow, we will try and relate because we are destined to a social life of learning and inference.

But this thought should enlightening rather than distressing because the world is exactly what you make of it. No one's hands but your own control your destiny so make of it what will and don't let anyone else tell you how to choose because they'll never be able to see and understand the world as you do.

The more I've thought about my relationship with art, the more present this thought has been in my mind so I'm sharing it along with some selfs I took over the summer that I've been waiting to post.

Belief

I believe that in order to hold relationships with others we, first, must recognize the relationship we have with ourself because if you can't love who you are how will anyone else ever be able to.

It's been so long since my last post and I don't know what to say because so much has changed within myself. I see many things clearer and by the day I've become happier with who I am and comfortable in myself and I think that means a lot.

I say this as encouragement. Almost a week ago today I did something I've been wanting to do for a very long time but didn't have the courage for; I cut my hair. For some it's life-changing, for others, it's nothing, and for me it's just something that means something else. The last time I had short-hair was freshman year of high-school which I fondly refer to as the year from hell for many reasons. And it was the year from hell that pushed me into doing my 365 which, consequently, changed me in ways that I still thank god for even four and five years later.

I grew my hair out because I liked the way it looked in self-portraits and I continued to grow it out for the very same reason. It wasn't until recently that I realized it might be the last thing holding me back from being who I wanted to be because it was the only thing, in four years, I refused to drastically change. But since the end of my project, I was constantly at ends with the camera, I wanted to separate myself from the very thing that made me who I am.

In cutting off, nearly nine-inches of hair, I've felt belonging again and in the strangest way.want to be behind the camera, and I feel inspired. And now I can move forward unhindered.

Not to say that something as superficial as cutting my hair has been more meaningful in my life than a year at college (it hasn't at all) but it is much easier to find the words to describe a smaller act that happened in a few hours rather than a massive change that came through the course of one, unforgettable year.

Well, that was personal but it is my blog after all.

Moving to photography and the summer, it's been a lot of chasing after inspiration, trapping it, and beating the crap out of it until I create something worth sharing; but I've realized you can't always wait for inspiration to come.

But with days left before I return to school for whatever my sophomore year is going to bring, I've been hit by a wall of motivation and opportunity. I've done intense photoshoots at my house, using six models at once (which was interesting to say the least). Photos from that shoot didn't turn out exactly as I expected because of the uncooperative and unpredictable weather but the beautiful thing about art is that there's always room to try again.

I've also convinced my friend, Angela, to go on a photo adventure with me through the Bull Valley area of Mchenry County and Woodstock which entailed standing in the middle of the street, getting a little bit lost, maybe breaking the law, as well as an awkward encounter with an old house and some discomfort and confusion for anyone who drove past and happened to see Angela jumping around in a hoop skirt holding onto a starry night umbrella. Oh well, it totally worked.

Motivation

At some point, motivation has to come from somewhere beyond the self.

This is the conclusion I have finally come to. And since I've returned to school for my second semester, I've rediscovered what it means to be motived and I'm getting back to where I used to be and I'm slowly regaining my confidence behind the camera.

The story behind this particular group of photos began last semester when I elected to take pictures for my school's, annual magazine. Over break I was assigned the stories I'd be covering and once I came back, I dove into creating the photographs (On another note I just found out that they want to use it as the covershot!).

With the directing assistance of my friend and floormate, Viri, we made a plan and did everything we could to execute it even thought it meant missing a class and using up a couple of hours that probably could have been devoted to homework. But it's okay because it was totally worth it.

The themes I was given were "Silent Film" and "Hollywood Glam" so I tried the best as I could to meld the two together and I really could not have done it without my willing subjects, Jeff and Alexis (but especially Alexis since she went out both days, in the freezing cold, in a dress and heels. You were pretty too, Jeff).

But, more than anything, it was exhilarating to be behind the camera again and empowering photographing friends on an empty, brick paved street, in the middle of the city on a Saturday morning (Probably, also, one of my new favorite locations). The only feeling, so far, that could really compete with the thrill of pulling off such an enormous idea, was that of a scrabble victory.

So enjoy the photos here and be sure to check the other's on Flickr and Facebook.

Self Reflection

Some days I feel like my life is headed nowhere, like I'm just running the same dull circle trying to find meaning where none is left to be found. But on other days I can see it, I can see the meaning in my life and the purpose I want it to have. We all want to be someone, we want people to smile when they see us and call out our name before we're even there. We want to be included and invited, wanted and remembered and all in our own special ways for our own individual accomplishments because we're alive and we shouldn't be subject to mediocrity for that very reason.

We're all called, in someway, to contribute to the land and leave our mark upon the world in whatever small way we can. And today I realized that we shouldn't have to settle or compromise our dreams for comfort because with every opportunity we let go of, we lose a piece of ourselves. It's dreams and ambition that separate the discern the individual from a majority.

For the last two months I've been miserable. I've been unsure of everything, my dreams of publishing seemed completely impossible and well-beyond my reach with every passing second of reasarch. Everyday was a struggle that left me confused and disheartened because I knew what I loved, I knew what I needed, and I knew what I wanted to get out of my life; I wanted to share my stories and help others do the same because words are vital.

And up until this morning it felt like a dream among dreams; completely and utterly irrational. But it's days like these, surrounded by support I'd never imagined, that lead me to believe the old adage that says, “there's a reason for everything,” and everyday is a reminder that I'm one step closer to reaching my purpose.

Have a self portrait that I took in my dorm room for a last minute English project and an edit I did for the hell of it!

Through Smoke

I took photos with my old friend Cecilia on Tuesday. We sort of had to make our own winter since Northern Illinois hasn't had a measurable snowfall since last February (nice). But, the weather channel says that we might, finally, get a real snow either tomorrow or Friday so I'm hopeful. 

For these pictures, we trekked across a dried out swamp, through a field, past some trees and finally came upon the right spot on the edge of a dried up pond (because there's really nothing around that isn't dried up anymore). It was also the perfect temperature outside (around 45) and the next day it dropped to 0 and it hasn't really gotten warmer since.

Anyway, a lot energy went into these pictures. We tore down branches, fought our way through thorn bushes, and braved the possibility (and reality) of first degree burns and smoke inhalation all before 1 o'clock in the afternoon. We also made some thrilling discoveries together, one of the greatest being the hypnotic way that pilling stuffing melts when it's thrown into a fire. It was awesome.

So, enjoy the pictures and the outtakes because Cecilia is the best and they were fun to take (also, I experimented a little with editing so yes/no?).

( ^ This is the exact moment where the fire actually burned through her shirt ^ )

Experiments

Took photos again today (exciting)! Decided to make an attempt at the Brenizer method, however I don't have anything to stitch photos together so I ended up doing it by hand and after 5 hours of working here are the results! (Tons of mistakes but that's okay, next time I'll know what to do). 

For some reason I felt inspired today so I grabbed the camera, a few coats, a lighter and a sheet. I wandered around the woods for a while, waiting to find the perfect place. And when I did, I set down the camera, spread out the sheet and started a small fire off to the side so that I could keep my hands warm (which was probably one of my best ideas because I kept falling on the ice and the fire warmed them a lot faster than gloves did). The remote also stopped working and I had to work with the ten second timer on a steep, iced-over hill so there really was an element of danger.

AFTER

BEFORE

 

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

Vulnerability

Yesterday was one of those bad days and (finally) I turned back to self-portaiture hoping that it would bring me some kind of peace. If anything, it at least provided distraction because I spent hours trying to make it work because I'm a perfectionist. 

I shot for nearly two hours and the photos proved to be the getaway I needed. I cleaned my room, made my bed, hung fairy-lights and scavenged my mind for inspiration. I opened my closet door to find the right shirt, but my eyes fell on the prom dress from my senior year and something about it seemed necessary (also the deep pinks contrasted well with the blues). And in my quest for motivation, among a million words, thoughts, and half-formed ideas, vulnerability was the word that struck me.

To me, vulnerability isn't about opening up for the ability to do so. I'll show as much of myself as I can, I'll open up to any who will listen, I'm not shamed by myself, my imperfections, my bones, or my mistakes. To me, none of those show vulnerability but rather confidence of self.Vulnerability is in the quiet moments where no one is looking. Vulnerability is how your mind fills the silence and your own wild day dreams. It's in those days when we seek to be alone, and in those moments when we truly are. Vulnerability is about letting in. Letting others hear the murmur of your heart and letting your walls collapse for a glimpse at your soul. Vulnerability runs deeper than blood.

 

On another note: Silver Linings Playbook is an excellent movie and Candles by Daughter is a beautiful song by a wildly under apprecciated artist.